Got a call from my mother from her cell phone where she said that dad's blood pressure had dropped precipitously while they were at the doctor's office having his chemotherapy port put in. She said that his blood pressure had dropped to 71/40 and that they have the rushed off to the emergency room and that's really where the. I said okay, and asked her if she wanted me to let Michael know. She hesitated and then said yes what Michael know. I sent Michael and Claudia a text message to let them know what was going on and the reply is that I got back from them or that they had already known about it and that they had talked to mom and mom was in the room with dad and they were filling out paperwork. After some thinking I replied back to both of them asking them to please let me know if they get in the update.
After thinking about it for a while I've come to realize that my mom had already called them. I was hurt when I realized this, but after thinking about it and trying to put myself in her shoes and come to a couple realizations. I've been gone from the house a lot longer than Michael, which means that she's going to reach out to him first every time. It doesn't matter that I call them every week, it doesn't matter that I go down there on my week off and help them do stuff around the house, she's going to default to calling them because that's who she thinks of and that's who she leans on. The other realization was that I can't compete with Claudia on the time that she spends on the phone with my mother. From what I understand Claudia talks to her own mother fire or six times a day every day seven days a week. I know that she talks to my mother many times a week, and probably every day if we were even ask the question. There's been many many times over the years where mom thought that we were told so often I was told so often I have no idea what's happening because it never made it to me.
So one of the things that I'm struggling with is that even though I expend effort trying to keep in touch by trying to reach out and trying to be there and I feel like I'm being left out and my efforts are not appreciated. It's foolish, I know, but that's the way I feel. And so I'm trying to make a conscious change in the way that I feel and go with the idea that it's really not a huge issue, and that it really doesn't matter. Mom can do what she wants. She didn't have to tell me anything. I appreciate what she does tell. I hope that I get included but I have no expectation of being included in the communication stream. That was good to become a hard, because I'm struggling with giving up my expectations. As a supervisors/manager I have to express my expectations and have to ensure that they are met. As an air traffic control specialist I have clear expectations and strive to control everything around me. So getting out of having expectations as hard.
The other thing that I'm struggling with this morning is that it seems like my mother lied to me. It was a lie of omission if that happened. When she hesitated and said go ahead and let Michael know if she had already done that she was lying she didn't want to have the conversation that she had already talked to them. That's kind of sad! I guess I'm such an intimidating figure that she and others don't feel like they can approach me or have a normal conversation with me about things like this. But that's okay-how other people act and feel is not my issue. How I react to it is my issue.
So I'm going to strive to react in a better manner beginning today. I will act surprised and happy when people communicate with me, and I will express appreciation for the communication. I'm starting to reach out more, but it is challenging because of my schedule and my things that I do in my life. I prefer solitary activities, where I can run, work out, do computer things, and ask him to shy away from social activities. I don't know them and make a change on that front, but I am beginning to reach out with emails, Facebook, postcards, and other different avenues of communication with people that I care about. We'll see how it goes!
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